Before you write
- Read their whole profile. Check what they are looking for, their limits and whether they want to hear from couples like you.
- Check compatibility. If they say they only want to meet experienced couples and you are brand new, respect that.
- Agree as a couple. Make sure both of you are keen before sending anything.
What to include in a first message
- A friendly greeting.
- Who you are, with first names or nicknames for both partners.
- Something specific from their profile that caught your eye.
- A brief note about what you are looking for.
- An easy question that invites a reply.
First message examples
Shared interest: "Hi both, we're Mia and Dan. We noticed you love hiking too; we just got back from a trip to the Lakes. We're fairly new to the lifestyle and looking to meet friendly couples for drinks and chat first. Where's your favourite trail?"
Newcomers: "Hello! We're Priya and Tom, mid-thirties and new to all this. Your profile felt really welcoming, especially the bit about taking things slowly. Would you be up for a chat? We'd love to hear how you got started."
Experienced couple: "Hi there, we're Lou and Mark, in the lifestyle a few years, soft swap, same room. We loved your profile photos from the masquerade night. We're often at socials in town. Fancy a chat and maybe a drink some time?"
Writing to a single woman: "Hi, we're Kate and Ben. We read your profile and appreciated how clearly you set out what you're looking for. We're relaxed, respectful and happy to keep things social until everyone feels comfortable. Would you like to chat?"
What to avoid
- Copy-and-paste messages. People can tell.
- Explicit openers. Even in the lifestyle, most couples want conversation first.
- Only one partner speaking. Mention both of you.
- Pushing for a meeting immediately.
- Long life stories. Save detail for later.
- Asking for face photos straight away.
- Negative comments about other people or past experiences.
Keeping the conversation going
If they reply, keep the tone warm and curious. Ask about their interests, experience and what they enjoy. Share about yourselves in return. Over several exchanges you will get a sense of whether you click. Good topics include how they got into the lifestyle, favourite venues or events, what a great first meeting looks like to them, and hobbies outside the lifestyle.
Involving both partners
A strong sign of a genuine couple is that both partners take part. Some couples write as "we", others take turns, and some sign each message with both names. If you only ever hear from one partner on the other side, ask gently whether their partner would like to chat too. If the answer is evasive, be cautious.
Moving to a video call
Once you have chatted a few times and feel positive, suggest a short video call with all four of you. Frame it lightly: "We've really enjoyed chatting. Would you be up for a short video call this week so we can say hello properly?" A call confirms everyone is real and keen and makes the first meeting much less awkward.
Suggesting a first meeting
Once the call goes well, propose a café or bar date, clearly framed as just a chat. Offer a couple of options for time and place and let them choose. See planning a first meet.
How to decline politely
You will receive messages from couples who are not a match. A gracious decline keeps things civil, for example: "Thank you for writing to us. It's not a fit for us this time, but best of luck out there." No reason is required.
When you do not get a reply
Silence is common and rarely personal. Couples may be busy, away, inactive or simply not feeling a match. Do not send repeated follow-ups. A single friendly follow-up after seven days is fine, then let it go.
Red flags in replies
- Requests to move to another app immediately.
- Pressure for explicit photos.
- Stories that do not add up.
- Requests for money or gift cards.
- Refusal to video call.
Read red flags for more.
Messaging etiquette as a couple
Agree how you will handle messages. Some couples read everything together; others let one partner manage the inbox but agree never to make plans without the other. Whatever you choose, transparency builds trust.
Timing and frequency
Reply in a reasonable time, but there is no need to answer instantly. Matching the other couple's tempo of conversation keeps things comfortable. If they reply once a day, do the same. Constant messages can feel intense, while long silences may read as lost interest.
Sharing photos during the chat
Photo sharing is a matter of trust. Many couples unlock private albums only after a few friendly exchanges, and some wait until after a video call. If you are asked for face photos before you feel ready, say so politely: "We'd love to share more once we've chatted a bit longer." A respectful couple will understand. Never forward or screenshot anyone's photos, and expect the same courtesy in return.
Talking about limits in messages
Messages are a good place to raise limits before anyone meets. Keep it natural: "Just so you know where we are, we're soft swap and same room for now. What about you?" Asking this early prevents awkward surprises later and shows that you take consent seriously. If limits do not line up, it is fine to say so and stay friendly.
Writing to couples while travelling
If you are visiting a city, mention your dates and suggest a drink in a public spot near your hotel. Be upfront that it is a short trip so nobody feels misled. Our locations hub lists the cities and countries we cover.
When conversations fizzle
Some chats start warmly and fade. That is normal. If you are still interested, a light message a few days later can revive things: "Hope your week went well. Still keen on that drink?" If there is no response, let it go gracefully.
Frequently asked questions
What should we say in a first message to another couple?
A friendly greeting, both your names, something specific from their profile, what you are looking for and an easy question.
Is it OK to send an explicit first message?
Usually not. Most couples prefer conversation first, and explicit openers tend to be ignored.
How long should we chat before meeting another couple?
There is no set rule, but several exchanges and a short video call usually help everyone feel confident before meeting.
How do we decline a couple politely?
Thank them for writing, explain kindly that the fit is not right for you both, and wish them well. A longer reason is not needed.
What if a couple does not reply?
Silence is common and rarely personal. One gentle follow-up after a week is fine; after that, move on.